Size Matters

I think most girls dream of going wedding dress shopping.  I've been on the dress hunt twice, once with my sister and once with my best friend Rachel.  Although I don't remember much of the adventure with Dawn, I do remember Rachel's.  We went to look for bridesmaid's dresses and she ended up leaving with THE ONE!  I remember sifting through dress after dress, throwing them in her dressing room, laughing with her mom over the "definitely nots" and oohing and ahhing over the "ones".  I remember narrowing it down to two and of course we had our favorites but I remember Rachel having a tough decision.  It was a B-I-G deal making this purchase!  Of course she looked beautiful in the ONE and I was really looking forward to that moment as well.

I can definitely say I not as excited about going shopping as I guess I should have been.  Ever since I quit dancing, my weight has been a HUGE issue.  My friends are loyal and never say a word...that's what friends are for!  But I felt it and I battle it every time we go out and I end up in running shorts/yoga pants and a t-shirt.  I hate buying new clothes because I want to get back into the ones I have.  I really wanted to lose some weight before I went shopping because I knew if I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't like anything I put on.  Finally, I agreed to go and made an appointment.

I had definitely been looking online and since we are getting married on the beach, I wanted that "beach" style...long, light, and flowy.  I found "the one" online and searched high and low for a store that had it.  When I called, they asked what dress size I usually wore.  I was a little embarrassed to answer but I was honest.  I definitely didn't want to be squeezed into something I shouldn't have been.  When I got to the store, Mom and La in tow, the lady got everything going quickly.  I gave her ideas I had and explained where we were getting married and the whole "look" I was going for.  Meaghan (who was awesome) brought lots of options and we began.

The first moment I had was when it came time to strip down.  I've never been shy...I've danced and cheered my whole life and changing in front of other girls is just not anything I ever struggled with.  But suddenly, I wanted a towel or something to cover up with.  I knew this was going to go bad at that moment.  Meaghan was great and helped me get into every gown.  We started with some "definitely not's" and moved onto the one she suggested.  When I put it on...I was very surprised how much I liked it.  It was WAY...W-A-Y different from anything I had imagined.  But different has always been my mantra.  When I walked out, both my mom and La had the same "Oooooh!!" expression.  I still wanted to try on the one I had spied online but once I had it on, I was let down by the lack of "wow" that I felt.  Curse you magazine models...

Things were going well until I started analyzing everything!  Why were all of the dresses A-line?  Is that a bad thing?  Is this REALLY the right dress?  Will I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I find the right one?  Will I not want to take it off?  HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?!?  I was beginning to cross over into the "freak out" mode but I held it together.  Once we got back in the dressing room, I sat and stared at the dress for a long time.  I could definitely see myself walking down the aisle (...or sand) in this dress and the changes I wanted were capable of being done.  But why was I still questioning it?  Meaghan began taking my measurements and when all was said and done, she was a little baffled.  Everything lined up with the size I tried on except that one spot...the hips.

This was the point I really had to bite my tongue and hold back the tears.  When she told me what size she would order, I just about fell out.  I really held it together the rest of the day through lunch and the ride home.  But once I got home, in the comfort of my own room, I let it out.  I googled the dress a million times and just kept going back to the number.  I couldn't understand whhhy all of the sudden I cared so much!?  I've never been about the size - if it fit right, it would look good.  It didn't take long for Mom to come to the rescue.  I told her I wasn't sure if it was the right dress or if I was just hung up on the size.  We had one of those "mom/daughter" talks about why I was unhappy and decided to make some changes.  I can handle the exercise portion but the diet is the hardest part for me.  So I made an appointment to talk with a doctor about eating better.  I go next Wednesday and would appreciate the prayers.  It's not something I ever wanted to do but I realize I can't do it alone and need some guidance. I love to cook so hopefully this journey will allow me to experiment in the kitchen and be healthy at the same time.

I know that I can be healthy and get back into the old body I left behind two years ago.  A friend is starting a barre and stretching dance class at my old studio and I can't WAIT to start going.  I miss dance SO MUCH and hope this will be what I need to give me that extra boost.  We have our engagement pictures this October and I really want to be in a good place "personally" and "emotionally" to enjoy every moment.  My goal is to be happier in my own skin and well on my way to a new, healthy me!

Oh...and yeah, I did say "YES" to the dress! :)